The Love I Carried with Me
by Larkawolfgirl
Summary: Her heart was open to all connected to her-whether she liked it or not-but all she really wanted was to be able to truly love someone with all herself and entirely from herself. What she found was someone who loved her entirely for herself, instead.


As true as she found DiZ's words to be, she never believed him when he said that she was without emotion. Her entire makeup was memory, and memory was the foundation for emotion. There was too much within her for her to be without them, and to be honest, though she could not fully comprehend the emotions, they threatened to swallow her whole numerous times. Holding so many contradicting memories and the emotions that went along with them pulled her every which way, leaving her a contorted mess of confliction.

She knew so many in ways she shouldn't, cared for them in ways she shouldn't. She loved Sora. Loved his selflessness and purity, his naivety and compassion, and most of all the way he made her feel. But it was always from that part of her which is Kairi. Perhaps some of the feelings were indeed her own, but those feelings deep down in the depths of her being which yearned to be near him were unmistakably foreign.

Her love for Roxas was different, more her own. Kairi never knew Roxas—at least not until much later—so what she felt for him emerged from her alone. Yet Roxas was Sora as much as she was Kairi, and what she felt for him could not be completely distinguished any more than either of them could be. As much as she enjoyed her time with Roxas, there was a nagging voice that told her it was not what she truly wanted. She wanted emotions entirely her own, a love all her own.

Oddly enough, she even loved Kairi, though how much of it stemmed from egotistical pride she could not say. Kairi was beautiful and kind and strong and outspoken in ways Namine herself could never be. She would perpetually be in her shadow, which suited Namine's quiet reclusive nature just fine. But she would always admire her in an abnormal way. Would forever watch her more intently than an other should.

She even loved Xion and everyone else who was connected to Sora's heart. Each love was unique, but not a single one felt sufficient, felt ideal. There was a gaping hole in her heart, not from a lack of one but from a lack of using it for its truest capacity.

Then there was the love she held for Riku, which was a different dilemma altogether. She knew him from wisps of memory just as much as the others, yet she actually felt like she _knew_ him. She knew the struggles he had faced and overcame. She understood his fear of the darkness but also why he was reluctant to give it up in pursuit of the light. He cared just as much as Sora—if not more so—but his was with a burning passion that led him on through and beyond his worries and doubts. He was strong, so much stronger than her, and he always did what he needed to do regardless of the consequences. (She liked to think that he was proud of her for fixing Sora's broken memories even though she was forgotten, yet she knew it was impossible given her failure by breaking them in the first place). These among countless others where her own reasons for loving him, yet even so, Kairi's and Sora's feelings were there as well like a leech relentlessly holding onto her and sucking out the sweetness her feelings should hold. She wanted to love Riku as herself fully with herself, but this was impossible for a being such as herself.

If it were not for Riku's own actions, she would have simply faded into the background as she did with all her other relationships. She was an unnecessary piece on a chessboard that was already filled beyond capacity. Staying back and observing, caring but not interfering, was the best course of action; altering Sora's memories had taught her that if nothing else. But Riku was not used to fading into the background, nor being alone. There in Castle Oblivion while they waited for Sora to reawaken, he was more alone than he ever had been, and she had been able to feel it in her bones as if it were her own. She was used to loneliness and guilt, but he was not; it ate away at his heart and made him bare his head in his hands. He did not cry, though she knew he wanted to. He did not ask for her comfort, yet she could hear his soul pleading for it.

It was a consoling gesture, nothing more, just a gentle hand placed on the edge of his shoulder, yet his body tensed and he raised his head to look at her. His eyes were misty sea-green pools which she longed to continue staring into for eternity. Clearing his throat, he rasped, "Thanks. For everything."

She shook her head, blonde banes sweeping across her forehead. "No. Thank you. You both have given me so much."

When she said no more, he blinked at her, his eyes clearing slightly. He looked remorseful. "I don't know about Sora, but I've done nothing for you. I should have."

"You did not know, and anyway you have no obligation to me. I am not Kairi."

"I don't think of you as Kairi. You were alone here for so long. Sorry I'm not better company."

It was her turn to blink at him as his statement shook up her shaky stability. "You—you are both—more company than I could have asked for."

He smiled at her, though she knew he still wanted to cry.

"Sora means a lot to you—to everyone."

"Yes," he said, craning his head back to rest against Sora's sleeping pod. Inside it the boy floated with a content expression. "He has a way of touching people's hearts." Namine did not voice her thought that she was similar in that she touched people's minds, but he must have known anyway because he gave her a muted smile. "Don't listen to him." He pointed toward the doorway which lead out to wherever DiZ was currently residing. "You aren't a witch. You aren't bad, and you aren't dispensable."

There was a flutter in her chest. "You are too kind. I have harmed both of you. Both Roxas and I must return to where we came from to put things right."

Riku sighed, looking as if everything were too heavy a burden for him to carry. "I am not saying that you shouldn't," he spoke evenly, each word sounding crisp, "but you are your own person and have a right to your own happiness. If you need to rejoin to fix everything…well then I'll just have to fix things for you later." By the time he finished his words and face were passionate, eyes wide and muscles wound.

"I—" Namine brought a hand to her mouth, overtaken by the feeling surging inside her. They were strong—so much stronger than anything else she had felt before. Surprise, gratitude, relief, affection, and explicit love swirled inside her to the point that tears were soon in her beautiful blue eyes. She wanted to ask him how he could care for her so much in such a short time, but before she could he had risen from the floor and was wiping stray tears away. His hand touched the back of her head making her still.

"You would look prettier if you were smiling."

She chuckled lightly, curling her lips upward not entirely with effort. He smiled back, his own reserved tears twinkling in his green orbs.

Being with Riku made the time pass easier, but it made saying goodbye that much harder. When she rejoined with Kairi peace settled over her, but there was sorrow as well. She would never again be alone, yet she would never be with Riku as she longed to be. Kairi must have sensed it, because during quiet moments when the she—the two of them—were alone her smile wavered and her chest tightened. Though Kairi's feelings for Sora outweighed those she had for Riku, the girl would stare almost dreamily at him when no one was watching. He felt so close, yet so far away from Namine. As if a two way mirror stood between them. Yet sometimes, when the light hit their form just so, she swore Riku's face light up as if he were seeing her as well. His lips would curl upward, his eyes would shine a softer blue, and Namine could not help believing he really would fix everything.

" _Sora will wake up soon."_

" _Yes."_

" _I can't let him see me like this."_

 _Namine studied the alternations on his face. Once soft lines were now hard and angular. His skin was tanned and aged. There was frigidity and contempt written on his face, but beneath the skin she could see—remember—his fear and anguish. He was still Riku no matter what he looked or sounded like—he just needed to realize that—and she was sure Sora would realize it as well. Still, she had no right to pressure him into something which terrified him._

" _I should leave as well." She fiddled with her hands, waiting for something. Then, "Riku," she began hesitantly, "let's go together. Let's go somewhere, just the two of us."_

 _His jaw locked, face going even harder. "We can't. I need to watch over Sora."_

 _She turned her face down to the floor. "Yes. I understand. He's your best friend after all."_

 _Suddenly his hand was on her cheek and the sadness she was trying so hard to keep at bay was threatening to escape. "It isn't a competition. Please don't doubt my feelings for you, it's just, Sora's who needs me most right now."_

" _I know."_

" _Namine." His voice was not his own, but it still sounded like music hearing him say her name. "We will be together again. I swear it."_

 _She nodded, allowing herself to hope for the first time._

She blinked, true light hitting her eyes after what felt like years of seeing through a filter. The first thing she made out was Riku's relieved face. She stared into his eyes, trying to read him and understand. He had done it. He had found a way to reextract her without creating excess darkness. By embracing his own darkness. By recognizing that he didn't need to be afraid of a part of himself. Her arms felt weak, but she forced them around his neck as she breathed in the scent of him: a hint of darkness overpowered by hibiscus.

"You…" she paused, debating what word to use, "saved me." He might not be the typical knight in shining armor, but he had rescued her from loneliness. Kairi accepted her, but Riku longed for her like no one else had.

"I promised, didn't I?" His arms found her back and she smiled.

"I wanted to believe you, but…I had doubts. I thought you might simply move on with your life."

"You are moving on. Sora and Kairi are moving on together, and I'm moving on with you."

Her heart warmed again, and somehow this time it felt hotter. She wasn't sure if this was what it felt like to love with all herself and from herself, but it was a start. "Thank you," she said, kissing at his shoulder lightly.

He pushed her back enough to gaze intently into her eyes. "There's nothing to thank me for. I did want I wanted for my girl. I'm never letting either of us feel lonely again."

Without thought she leaned in and kissed him, heart soaring when he kissed her back. If she searched deep into the recesses of her heart she would still find love for the others, she always would. But the love she had here was different, and it sent her blood racing. This wasn't built on memories she wasn't a part of, only made stronger through them. She knew Riku's past and present, and somehow he seemed to know her just as well. With his arms pulling at her waist and their mouths locked together, she felt at ease. For the first time since her birth, she felt right.


End file.
